(About Fears) Healing for the Past, Test of Faith in the Present & Hope for the Future

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope."
Jeremiah 29:11

This is the perfect Bible scripture that I can gain strength from.
I am having strongs tests of Faith now, if I can believe that my future will be bright.
I encountered a quote, it says, To be an artist one should believe in Life.
And my chosen career path is to be an Interior Designer and to be one, I should be an artist.
So in my career path, I'm still struggling and will do my best to gain diploma.

Though, there are some struggles that I encounter, personally, that I want to open up about it even when it should be just a secret. And please, don't judge me right away.

Cause, I know, even though I do have a unique condition, I'm a normal person.
I could be shy to say this but, I experience weird things that makes me struggle.
Like, there are times when I have involuntary speaking and gestures, but somehow i can still manage to control myself. I don't know exactly what triggered my unique condition but I must not fret cause I take (oleanzapine) a medicine prescribed by my psychiatrist.
Plus! It's good to rely most especially to the Life Source, that is God.

I do have fears....
that's why It's quite hard to dream about the future.

But, thankfully even when I'm not too brave as a strong woman should, reading Biblical promises helps me to gain insight to be bold about my desire for a good future.

My fears were like, (i don't want to mention though, cause words are powerful but I'll say it
in the most pleasant way).

It's Life, and I'm afraid of losing it.

I had an experience that made me feel the fears that seems to affect me spiritually or psychologically. This is the story....

In holy week of 2012, I had a call from my aunt telling me that they are looking for a girl, named Anna. She was like just reporting that she is lost. I hardly can remember her, who is from the province Mindoro. I've been to their home but can't remember her. But, as the story goes, I was having thoughts that maybe she was only at her friends house stayed for a sleep over, cause my Aunt says she didn't go home that day.

Then, later on she called again to tell the bad news, she was found dead.
The worst scenario that is unimaginable to happen to a woman or a girl.
Anna was raped and killed.
When I understood what was my Aunt talking about over the phone, I started to cry loudly.
I don't know it sure enough, if I am only emphatic to sense such experience, cause I was like crying so hard, like how a baby cries. 

Then, we decided to sympathize with their family so we went to the wake.
And It was the saddest scenerio I have ever seen. 
A girl, who is Anna, who's lifeless wearing her school uniform in a casket.
She had a bruise on her neck. (I don't want to talk about it but it created fear).

I did pray for her while looking at her, (the saddest thing that my eyes laid upon).
Her Mom was saying Anna wanted to go to Disneyland, but when she died, she is going to a better place than Disneyland. :(

And I know her Mom meant Heaven.

Then, when it was disorienting to see a sad event, I had psychological fears later on that made me experience something strange.

Few months later, my friend and I were in a taxi, on the way to our friend's son baptismal.
She (my friend) asked me how was the experience back in the province. 
I can hardly talk about it cause I'm afraid, seeing in my mind and mental image of Anna.
I started to have fear, of dying.
I learned the hard way, that Life is fragile, and learned that the world around us can be a hostile place. That's why to pray more is what I learned to do, cause their is so many harms in this world like how drug addicts affect people with the crimes they do. Like the crime done to the young 12 year old Anna.

2 months later after she died,  I remember I was hysterical in the taxi while fear was overtaking me. I had goosebumps from toes to head. I don't know if I was being a medium to be able to have a spiritual communication with the dead. I was seeing her feet in my mind.
And I was like, I don't want to die. I was so afraid, that automatically I was praying, speaking words like In Jesus name, i rebuke it. Things like that.

I had fears in the middle of the night to shouting from my sleep, saying I don't want to die.
And some nightmares.

Also one afternoon, I had fear, that was something so strange, that made me shout out loud calling "PAPA PAPA",.. it was like a spiritual force that, taught me how it was like calling for help when Anna was being attacked and forcefully taken out of her will.

Those were my fears.

It was something spiritual. So I did consult psychiatrists to help me recover from something traumatic. I'm praying that there will be more kind people in this world and no brutality and killing. Crimes are prevalent in the News, that's why I learned to trust God more now.


That's why, I thank God so much for the grace of healing from the past, and trusting in Him for the wisdom to discern how to live right with the gift of life, and the hope that there will be future as He has promised.

Blogging is good to reminisce the past. (I could have done blog about theatre and my 18th birthday)

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 It has been a long while since I last did a blog. My life so far isn't too interesting to know, though. But here is a blog if you might like to read it. 

I'm being nostalgic about my past, though I have poor memory that's why i knew i needed to blog to remember beautiful events, if only I did grabbed the privilege of doing an online journal.
 
I wish I did write about being a thespian and could have collected pictures or videos of happy moments such as being part of a theatre plays, and rehearsals, which were two of major productions in 2005 and 2009 from my college's theatre organization. (MAPUA TEKNO TEATRO)

Those events in college were wonderful to remember now and reminisce on, because I gained lots of friends from my co-actors and i have learned a lot on acting and singing plus every rehearsals we do exercises that helped our bodies to be fit. And I was slimmer way back before. Now, I miss theatre! And the only way to get into theatre again is, if I win the lotto I will produce stage productions, (If winning is easy, just to be rich instantly) I wanted to fund musical or stage drama someday with the help of Directors. It can be pretty costly to do it and Im wishing that I can gain friends again cause now, I rarely have even small conversations from my co-actors, and I hardly remember all of them.

It was not too huge as the theater done in West End and Broadway but it was an awesome experience doing Disney Musical.

Before I become a part of Mapua Tekno Teatro I watched the earlier batch of thespians doing Cats, and Phantom of the Opera, they were really good.

There are a lot to know about Theater, especially from the veterans in PETA.
Maybe I will try someday to do PETA, when my budget and my schedule allows me to.
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"Words are the most powerful thing in the universe"

Faith filled words will put you over.
Fear-filled words will defeat you.

Christianity is called the great confession, but most of us Christians
who are defeated in life are defeated because they believe and confess
the wrong things. They have spoken the words of the enemy. And
those words hold them in bondage. PROVERBS 6:1-2 says.
"Thou art snared with the words of thy mouth."

"If Satan Can't Steal Your Dreams"

From the Author JERRY SAVELLE

CHAPTER 1:

"SATAN TARGETS YOUR DREAMS"


It would be wonderful if God just laid out the
whole picture of your life and said,
"Now, here's where you're going; here's everything
that's going to happen before you get there;
here's each day of your life for the next 15

years, and here's how it's going to turn out."
However, if He did that, our lives woudn't require

faith.

God is not going to lay everything out for you.
He'll give you one piece of the puzzle at a time.
Each piece connected to the other piece will

create a perfect picture of God's plan for your

life.

But those pieces must be connected together by

faith in His word. Every step you take must
be a step of faith.

Psalm 37:23 says,
"The steps of a good man are ordered by the

Lord...." In this journey of faith, you're going

to have to be very sensitive to God.

Like Abraham, you must take the steps God ordains

and directs so you'll end up at the destination,

to which He has called you.

By faith, he (Abraham) sojourned in the land of

promise, as in a strange country, dwelling in

tabernacles with Isaac and Jacob, the heirs with

him of the same promise:

For he looked for a city which hath foundation,

whose builder and maker is God.

Hebrews 11:9, 10

As you will see later in this book, Abraham didn't

know where he was goingg, but he was always

looking.

Are you looking today? Are you looking for the

manifestations of what God has promised?

Are you anticipating the fulfillment?
Are you laying aside all doubts and expecting God

every promise to happen?

Right now, God is building something in your life.

It is your job to look for what is built and made

by God. In order to do this, you have to create a

proper atmosphere and refuse to fear anything that

would stand in your way --- even failure.

CREATING AN ATMOSPHERE FOR YOUR DREAMS

Quiapo Manila with Churchgoers

Quiapo Manila with Churchgoers

"showbiz doesn't please me well" (I hope they please God more, not people alone)

What I notice on shows on Philippine TV:

1.May tamang balita
2.Showtime
3.Fliptop (youtube)
4. Lyrics ng mga songwriters (na hindi tama)

Nakakaaliw ang panoorin.. kaninang gabi, Feb 2, episode. (May tamang balita)
There was this part, on Madam (Wish ko lang style)
The host was reading a - letter wishing for (like in wish ko lang)..


It says this, even not in perfect exact phrase..

"I wish hindi na ko kutyain ng mga tao dahil lang pumiyok ako ng isang beses, pero bakit nung si Anne Cortes tatlong oras pumipiyok sa concert niya, okay lang. Samantalang ako, parang (ipapako na nila sa krus)."
---Maxene (name changed a little) seems it's Maxene Magalona.

I am actually against this kind of what's happening in the showbusiness, I am not really wanting to get noticed,but I sense and know that there is something wrong in showbiz.
Making two parties, have dispute, and hate, thanmake them both friends.

And the worse part of it, is, these words, wereto the extent of discriminating anne and maxene at the same time, as wellas it has been blasphemous.
Sorry for being this way, but, I don't intend to please any personwith how true I am, I speak what I think is right for me.

What's true for me, can't be for you, or might be.
Please do respect my opinion on this.

Nakakasawa lang kasi sa industriya nababawasan ang pagiging maka-diyos ng mga pilipino, kung
ang mga sinasabi ng mga tao sa TV ay puro (against the Faith).

--I will give you examples:

One time, on showtime, a lola was waving her hands,,
Vice Ganda saying lola was like, waving "Palaspas"---when actually palaspas is very sacred.
(For devout Catholics they know how to pay respect to true religion or
to God.)

I am no perfect human being, if i notice some people's errors, that doesn't mean, I don't see
speck on my own eyes. In fact, I am spiritually young, like just "baby" on spiritual level.
I am no expert on Faith, but I care of how I do please God, i wish I do really please Him.

If judging people for how they are, spiritually, I have no right, ultimately, because...who am i???

Me? Just absolutely, explaining my own mind in the best light I know. I transpire, what I think
is right for me, and if I get haters, it's best for me that, I remain true to myself.
Than, to be appreciated for making lies.. or pretense.

Galit ako sa, kamalian sa show-business, pero hindi ako galit sa mga taong-showbiz.
Kasi trabaho lang naman nila yon, at they are doing what they supposed to be doing, since
they were probably directed to do it, or influenced, mentally or verbally (not being their complete-real-self).

I can't be apathetic, and indifferent, kung pwede lang mag-salita sa tv, gagawin ko na eh..
pero, I won't do that. Of course, hindi ako pasikat na tipo ng tao, nagpapaka-totoo lang.

Isa pa..lalo na sa industriya ng Hiphop at Rap.. pasensya na sa mga maiinis, pero I don't find
FLIPTOP and good source to see the people's skills on rap, puro payabangan lang eh..
magmumumura tapos mamaya mag-babati?

Diba mali???

Kasi mag salita ka na nang lahat ng masakit sa taong kausap, sabay bawi?? Normal? i don't think so.

Ayoko kasi maging plastik, that's why I make this note as a medium to speak.

Sana lang talaga, kung may mga rapper sa pinas na gusto mag bigay naman, nag substance
sa mga kanta nila, mag-bigay naman sila ng BUHAY sa tao.

MAGSILBI naman sanang daan para magbuo ng pamilya, systema o kahit ano pa man, basta sa
ikabubuti naman ng mundo...

4. ULAN - - alam mo ba yung kantang ito?
Yung nagsasabi ng buhos ng ulan, wag ng tumigil, na lulunurin ang mundo????
'TAMA po ba ang mga lyriko na ito??'

I don't think so.. dumaan na ang ondoy,pedring,reming at sendong. Mga pangyayaring
hindi maibabalik ang mga buhay na nawala at buhay na napinsala, di lang ang bahay.
Walang amount ng pera ang kahit kailan, makapagpapabalik ng buhay nila.
Nakakalungkot, ano ba silbi ng musika, diba, kanta ay dasal??

We sing because we pray 3 times.
Or we sing, because we explain ourselves..
Sila kaya mga songwriters, they sing, because they express themselves in
words, or they are praying to the devil, they just don't know they do?
Or worse if, what if they know it, but they still do it.

Ignorance is a sin, though how about the innocent?

Where is the justice in system of Showbusiness?? Where is that
Righteousness, even to those who make money for the business,
sharing these material possessions for those who has less,
and making lives better? Diba tama naman ako, somehow,
I know, you get what I mean.

thanks for reading. - - - abbie

(Please do judge me back in return, when I judged anybody wrongly.
Because, those who do judge, will be judged. As well as, there is
no one too righteous and good in this world, the real truth and
the Righteous is God, alone.)