"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans
for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope."
Jeremiah 29:11
This is the perfect Bible scripture that I can gain strength from.
I am having strongs tests of Faith now, if I can believe that my future will be bright.
I encountered a quote, it says, To be an artist one should believe in Life.
And my chosen career path is to be an Interior Designer and to be one, I should be an artist.
So in my career path, I'm still struggling and will do my best to gain diploma.
Though, there are some struggles that I encounter, personally, that I want to open up about it even when it should be just a secret. And please, don't judge me right away.
Cause, I know, even though I do have a unique condition, I'm a normal person.
I could be shy to say this but, I experience weird things that makes me struggle.
Like, there are times when I have involuntary speaking and gestures, but somehow i can still manage to control myself. I don't know exactly what triggered my unique condition but I must not fret cause I take (oleanzapine) a medicine prescribed by my psychiatrist.
Plus! It's good to rely most especially to the Life Source, that is God.
I do have fears....
that's why It's quite hard to dream about the future.
But, thankfully even when I'm not too brave as a strong woman should, reading Biblical promises helps me to gain insight to be bold about my desire for a good future.
My fears were like, (i don't want to mention though, cause words are powerful but I'll say it
in the most pleasant way).
It's Life, and I'm afraid of losing it.
I had an experience that made me feel the fears that seems to affect me spiritually or psychologically. This is the story....
In holy week of 2012, I had a call from my aunt telling me that they are looking for a girl, named Anna. She was like just reporting that she is lost. I hardly can remember her, who is from the province Mindoro. I've been to their home but can't remember her. But, as the story goes, I was having thoughts that maybe she was only at her friends house stayed for a sleep over, cause my Aunt says she didn't go home that day.
Then, later on she called again to tell the bad news, she was found dead.
The worst scenario that is unimaginable to happen to a woman or a girl.
Anna was raped and killed.
When I understood what was my Aunt talking about over the phone, I started to cry loudly.
I don't know it sure enough, if I am only emphatic to sense such experience, cause I was like crying so hard, like how a baby cries.
Then, we decided to sympathize with their family so we went to the wake.
And It was the saddest scenerio I have ever seen.
A girl, who is Anna, who's lifeless wearing her school uniform in a casket.
She had a bruise on her neck. (I don't want to talk about it but it created fear).
I did pray for her while looking at her, (the saddest thing that my eyes laid upon).
Her Mom was saying Anna wanted to go to Disneyland, but when she died, she is going to a better place than Disneyland. :(
And I know her Mom meant Heaven.
Then, when it was disorienting to see a sad event, I had psychological fears later on that made me experience something strange.
Few months later, my friend and I were in a taxi, on the way to our friend's son baptismal.
She (my friend) asked me how was the experience back in the province.
I can hardly talk about it cause I'm afraid, seeing in my mind and mental image of Anna.
I started to have fear, of dying.
I learned the hard way, that Life is fragile, and learned that the world around us can be a hostile place. That's why to pray more is what I learned to do, cause their is so many harms in this world like how drug addicts affect people with the crimes they do. Like the crime done to the young 12 year old Anna.
2 months later after she died, I remember I was hysterical in the taxi while fear was overtaking me. I had goosebumps from toes to head. I don't know if I was being a medium to be able to have a spiritual communication with the dead. I was seeing her feet in my mind.
And I was like, I don't want to die. I was so afraid, that automatically I was praying, speaking words like In Jesus name, i rebuke it. Things like that.
I had fears in the middle of the night to shouting from my sleep, saying I don't want to die.
And some nightmares.
Also one afternoon, I had fear, that was something so strange, that made me shout out loud calling "PAPA PAPA",.. it was like a spiritual force that, taught me how it was like calling for help when Anna was being attacked and forcefully taken out of her will.
Those were my fears.
It was something spiritual. So I did consult psychiatrists to help me recover from something traumatic. I'm praying that there will be more kind people in this world and no brutality and killing. Crimes are prevalent in the News, that's why I learned to trust God more now.
That's why, I thank God so much for the grace of healing from the past, and trusting in Him for the wisdom to discern how to live right with the gift of life, and the hope that there will be future as He has promised.
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